Give Yourself Your Flowers - Cultivating Self Compassion

Have you been taking a moment to give yourself your flowers recently? Think back to a time when someone close to you was facing something difficult or painful. Maybe they were discouraged, felt anxious or not good enough. How did you respond to them? How would you respond to them today if you were your most supportive and caring self? Take note of it.

Now gently turn the lens inwards, think of a moment when you were facing something difficult or painful, feeling anxious or not good enough. How did you respond? What tone did your inner voice take? What kinds of things did you say to yourself?

Do you notice any difference between the two, and if so, why? We are often far more negative and critical of ourselves compared to those we care about around us. But why is that? And more importantly, what would it look like to treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness you treat others. The truth is, you deserve that same softness. If you wouldn’t say something harsh to a friend you love, you likely don’t deserve to hear it from yourself either. It’s okay to challenge that inner critic and learn to speak to yourself with the care, dignity, and compassion you truly deserve.

Self-Compassion

When we think of compassion, we often picture caring for someone else. Offering comfort when a friend is struggling, being there when a loved one is going through a tough time or simply lending a listening ear. Self-compassion is simply treating yourself with the same compassion that you already know how to give others, at times when you are facing something difficult, when things are not going the way you hoped, when you make a mistake or completely fail at something. Being there for yourself with kindness through a tough time. Kristin Neff is a leading researcher for self-compassion, according to Neff self-compassion involves three parts;

1. Self-kindness: Meeting yourself with patience and care, especially when things are hard, rather than criticizing or judging yourself harshly.

2. Common Humanity: Remembering that you are not alone in your struggles. Challenges and setbacks are part of the shared human experience.

3. Mindfulness: Observing your thoughts and feelings without pushing them away or letting them take over.

How Can You Cultivate Greater Self-Compassion?

Here is an exercise to explore when you are finding self-compassion to be tricky.

Exercise: How would you treat a friend?

Let's return to the beginning of this post for a moment where we asked you to take note of what you might say to a close friend who was going through something painful. Picture that again, what would you say to them? What tone of voice would you use? This is the first part of Neff's self-compassion exercise. The next time you are struggling with something difficult or painful, imagine how you would like your best self to respond to a friend.

And then.... try offering that same response to yourself. Use the same warmth, understanding and gentleness. It might feel a little awkward at first and thats okay. Like anything new, self-compassion takes practice. Its okay to not get it on your first try because you can try again. Your human, your learning. And that is self-compassion in action, being kind to yourself even when things don't go perfectly.

We have the power to give ourselves exactly what we needing in moments of overwhelm, pain and feeling not good enough. We can be our own loudest cheerleader, biggest fan and loving friend.